Transcript
0:00It started when I was a kid.
0:02I stole matches from the kitchen junk drawer,
0:04birthday candles, anything with a fuse.
0:06I gathered bundles of dry twigs from the yard
0:08and kept them in a locked toy chest under my bed.
0:11I stood on my tippy toes
0:12to take the kitchen lighter from its place in the world
0:14just to hold it in my hands for a minute.
0:16My parents told me, cut it out,
0:18quit it. And I did for a while.
0:20I used to hate getting in trouble,
0:22but you can adapt to anything.
0:24Every fire is made from three elements,
0:261, fuel,
0:28things you can burn, scrap wood,
0:30dry leaves, a three story bungalow in the suburbs,
0:33anything and everything you'd ever want to remove from this earth
0:36forever. 2, oxygen,
0:38air to feed the flames. Fire is a living thing like you and me.
0:42It needs to breathe. Nothing catches in a vacuum.
0:45And 3, combustion,
0:47the spark to light it up. If you build the fire right,
0:50you never need much, just a tiny nip of heat in the right place
0:53and you can burn the biggest building in the world down to a thin
0:56black sheen of ash
0:57that drifts away to nowhere in the first slight wind.
1:00Everything good I've ever done in this life
1:02has been the product of these three things
1:04combined in the right amounts,
1:05in the proper order. Here is the trifactor.
1:07My entire world rests upon fuel,
1:10oxygen, Combustion,
1:12Father, Son,
1:13Holy Ghost. Adam Eleanor lives at 1337 Pinnacle Park Lane.
1:18It's a three story bungalow made of wood and drywall
1:20and three other types of insulation.
1:22The wood of the house is very dry.
1:24It will catch quickly. If I had to guess,
1:26the whole thing could be engulfed in 10 minutes,
1:28start to finish. I don't know how I know this,
1:30but I do.
1:32It's a warm night in late may and the breeze across town is strong.
1:35Adam Eleanor is throwing the last party of high school tonight.
1:38Everyone's invited to the last party of high school,
1:41even me.
1:43Unfortunately, I can't make it to the party.
1:45I have plans.
1:47In the first grade, I'd get home from school,
1:49dash up to my room and set fire to my homework.
1:52I'd tear it up into tiny
1:53jagged triangles and light them off one by one
1:55with the matches I'd stolen at breakfast while mom wasn't looking.
1:59The next day I'd tell my teachers the dog ate it,
2:02but we didn't have any pets.
2:04One afternoon I accidentally set off the overhead smoke alarm
2:07and my parents rushed in to find me in the act.
2:10I still remember their faces,
2:12how they froze in place in the doorway when they saw me there
2:14with that burning TP
2:16of multiplication tables and charred matches between my legs.
2:19The moment they registered once and for all
2:21this was going to be a whole thing.
2:23The cold recognition of What was now the capital P problem
2:26they'd have to deal with for years to come.
2:28I remember before there was anger,
2:30scolding, punishment,
2:31before I feigned shame and contrition
2:33and endured the long time out
2:35and first visit to a clinical specialist.
2:37Before all of that, there was something else in my parents eyes,
2:40something no mommy or daddy should ever feel
2:42toward their firstborn son.
2:44When they looked down at me in my room that day
2:47for no longer than a fleeting moment,
2:49they were afraid of me. On the walk to Adam Eleanor's house,
2:53I already know this is a very bad idea.
2:55I know this because I'm saying to myself again and again,
2:57this is a bad idea. This is a bad idea.
2:59But whenever I say to myself,
3:01this is a bad idea, I always end up doing it.
3:03It's like a fundamental law of the universe.
3:06I'm dressed all in black and have my hood up.
3:08No one would ever think to stop me.
3:09I'm in the suburbs. I think about if
3:11maybe I can still stop myself from doing what I'm about to do.
3:14But the little clicks already taken place in my mind.
3:17The switch has been flipped.
3:19You can always feel when the decisions made.
3:21I was 9 years old and it was February
3:23and I turned the gas stove on
3:25and held my left hand over the fire for 11 seconds without moving.
3:28I could feel my skin melt and Curl in on itself
3:31like a marshmallow you leave to die on the stick.
3:34I was tall enough now I didn't have to stand on my tippy toes.
3:37I could just reach right over the electric blue flame.
3:39Most human beings have a built in
3:41animal instinct to pull away from the heat.
3:43But I guess I've always been a little different.
3:46I have a patchy tattoo of modeled pink flesh right here to prove it.
3:50It's not that I didn't feel the pain.
3:51Those were real tears in my eyes.
3:53I just didn't pull away from it.
3:55I could stay inside of it,
3:56transmute it kind of.
3:58It didn't get me off, though.
3:59I had to get my kicks from lighting other stuff on fire.
4:02Everyone's got their thing.
4:03Most kids do things like go to soccer practice or choir or chess club.
4:07I did things like set off homemade fireworks in lidless
4:10public trash receptacles after dark,
4:12sneak out way past my bedtime
4:13with my pockets full of lint from the dryer machine,
4:16collect trash from the streets of my town and burn it all down to ash.
4:20Burn everything I could get my hands on,
4:21even my own clothes if that's what it took.
4:23Tell myself each and every time I lit up
4:25that this was the very last time I would ever light up.
4:28Shame, guilt,
4:29self loathing. These gifts came early.
4:31They come with the territory.
4:33I tell myself this has to stop.
4:35This is Very bad. This is not a good habit I'm developing here.
4:38But then again, nobody got hurt,
4:41not yet at least.
4:43These were the early days.
4:44There's a narrow window of time
4:46where Adam and his goons are out buying surplus liquor for the party
4:49and the house is empty.
4:50I have 15 minutes to get inside the house through the back door,
4:53prepare the building for its dramatic conclusion and bounce.
4:56I don't have to worry about cameras on the door or anywhere else
4:58because Adam's already taken care of that.
5:01The windows are draped and there's no visibility from the front.
5:03I slip around the side, unlatch the gate to the backyard
5:06and stroll through to the sliding door.
5:08Yes, it is always this easy to break and enter a home in the suburbs,
5:12although
5:12can you really call it breaking and entering if the door is unlocked?
5:16Valentine's Day of third grade is when I really knew I had a problem.
5:19Picture it, all the kids milling about,
5:21depositing bullshit hallmark offerings into brown paper bags,
5:25stickers, lollipops,
5:26little candy hearts made of colored chalk.
5:28You remember, there's not much sentimental value to the ritual
5:31when you keep in mind every child is required to give one to everyone.
5:35No discrimination. Everyone gets a trophy.
5:38We're 10 minutes into the festivities
5:39when Emily McBride yells out to the whole room,
5:42who left a match in my bag?
5:44And everyone stops what they're doing.
5:46God forbid someone exercise a Little originality
5:49teacher looks inside Emily's bag and frowns.
5:51Then she checks Arthur Denison's bag.
5:53Her forehead creases cut deeper into her face.
5:56She checks the next bag, the next.
5:58The downward slant of teacher's eyebrows becomes parabolic.
6:01She marches up to the front of the class and says,
6:04all right, who wants to speak up?
6:06Who put all these matches
6:07and fuses and homemade pocket explosives in everyone's paper bags?
6:11No one says anything. So teacher pulls the age old
6:14come forward now and you won't be punished,
6:17which for the record, that promise has been kept
6:19exactly zero times in the history of elementary school.
6:22No one, she says,
6:25all right. Then she instructs the class to empty their bags.
6:29The perp will obviously be the only one who hasn't deposited a match,
6:32fuse or pocket explosive into their own stash.
6:35Surely everyone groans and empties their bags.
6:38And sure enough, it's in my brown paper bag.
6:40They find something unexpected.
6:42Well, two things, actually.
6:43First, no one in the class has left me even one chalky pink heart
6:47or hallmark card or offering of cheap candy.
6:50What happened to no one gets left out on Valentine's Day, right?
6:53What they do find is a small translucent bag of,
6:56what is that, gunpowder.
6:57A juice box full of pure grain ethanol,
7:00two individual sets of Flint and steel,
7:01and a tangled mass of unidentified multicolored wires.
7:04Both my parents pick me up from the office.
7:07They say things like Haven't we talked about this
7:09and we thought you were feeling better
7:11and we're not angry, honey.
7:13We're just disappointed.
7:15There's nothing I can say to get out of this one.
7:18I just have to face the music.
7:19I have to go back to the listening experts.
7:21That very afternoon, later that night,
7:24I hear my father break down into tears from the other side of the wall.
7:27Him and mom are in their bedroom.
7:29I hear him collapse into these low racking sobs
7:32muffled by Mom's arms wrapped around him.
7:34I can tell he's been holding it in.
7:37No matter how well he hides it.
7:38My father's cries have a way of echoing through the thin
7:41capillaries of our house.
7:43I grit my teeth and force myself to hear it all.
7:46I deserve this.
7:48There is something very, very wrong with me.
7:51This is the night I hold my arm over the stove
7:55the first time. I'm dousing the floors,
7:58walls and ceiling of the Eleanor estate in odorless combustible fluid.
8:02It's a kerosene base
8:03with a number of other compounds mixed in to hide the scent.
8:06I'm not going to walk you through the whole process right now.
8:08I have a 15 minute window.
8:10Remember, if you really want to hear about it,
8:12I prepare it at home in my room in small batch microbrew.
8:15It's fast drying so I can cover every corner of the house
8:18and the kids won't notice their standing and breathing in
8:21potent Flammable aerosol spray until it's ignited.
8:24By the time I was 10, I'd Learned how to keep my habit under wraps,
8:27how to lie to therapists, psychiatrists,
8:29listening professionals. The trick is you can't ever be cheerful.
8:33When they ask you how you're doing,
8:34how you're feeling, you can never tell them just good.
8:38They won't buy it. You have to be a little unhappy,
8:40not too unhappy, or they'll dig deeper,
8:42adjust your medication, diagnose you with something else.
8:45It has to be, well,
8:46I'm mostly good, but I'd feel better.
8:48If you have to be specific,
8:51my REM sleep has been inconsistent.
8:53I haven't had much of an appetite.
8:54Sometimes I drift off in class.
8:56But then you have to say you're working hard to feel better.
8:59You're doing everything you can.
9:01You may not feel great, but you're fighting like hell to get there.
9:04They appreciate this. You need to wince slightly while you talk,
9:07careful not to evoke self pity or melodrama.
9:10You need a certain grin and bear it disposition
9:13in the face of your psychic angst.
9:15This is how you lie to people who say they care about you.
9:18When you're lighting up a suburban home,
9:19you don't actually have to cover every inch of it in combustible fluid,
9:23just the crucial parts to ensure the flames spread,
9:26the doorway, the porch,
9:27most of the kitchen ceilings.
9:29You cover the basics and you're good.
9:31You don't actually have to go out of your way.
9:33To douse sentimental items
9:34like the Eleanor family photo albums and antique dresses
9:37and this old wooden rocking chair
9:39you can just tell was hand built by someone in the family.
9:42That's just a me thing.
9:44When I'm done with Mister and Missus Eleanor's bedroom,
9:46I move into Adams.
9:47Here are the quarters of a perfectly well adjusted young male,
9:50a kid destined for okay things.
9:53He'll go to college, work out three times a week,
9:55get married one day to someone he likes and says he loves.
9:58He'll live with his parents for most of his twenties,
10:00but such are the times we live in.
10:02Have you seen the economy?
10:04I douse his room. Translucent,
10:06odorless aerosol fuel all over his checkered bedspread,
10:09all over the action figures he still has displayed on his desk,
10:12his computer, all of it must go.
10:15I finish off the can on his soccer trophies
10:17and then take out the next receptacle from my backpack.
10:19I need to pace myself. There is a whole lot of house left.
10:23So much real estate, so little time.
10:25Another thing you learn when you have a condition like mine
10:28is how to smile so no one looking has any reason to question it.
10:32You learn how to live out loud,
10:34how to use enthusiasm as camouflage.
10:36You learn to play happy in a subtle way,
10:39to never look like you're trying.
10:40Don't smile too much. That's a dead giveaway.
10:43Just a halfway smile and a 30% Glint to your eyes.
10:46Laugh, but not heartily.
10:48Maintain eye contact with whoever's listening.
10:50Not at a constant rate, only slightly.
10:52Learn to ask adults questions that make them talk about themselves.
10:56Keep your eyebrows furrowed
10:57and bottom lip clamped down with your two front teeth.
11:00Let them talk and talk.
11:01That's how you avoid getting asked about yourself,
11:03your problem, how you've been feeling lately.
11:06Smile and nod and ask questions.
11:08And they won't ask if you've had any recent episodes.
11:11If someone was looking real closely,
11:13they'd see the floor and walls of the house kind of shine.
11:16They glint very slightly in the overhead light,
11:18but no one looks closely. These days.
11:21I take three of my precious minutes to disable all the home's
11:24smoke alarms. It won't matter.
11:25Force of habit, I guess.
11:27I do one more pass over Mister and Missus Eleanor's bed.
11:30I refrain from pocketing any of their jewelry,
11:32watches or expensive, easy to pawn chotchkeys sitting on the nightstand.
11:36I don't need them. Stealing is not my compulsion.
11:39Different strokes for different folks.
11:41I've never lit any animals on fire,
11:43just so you know. Never anything,
11:45living or nothing. With a central nervous system,
11:47I should say. I have no interest in hurting,
11:49killing or maiming. My problem has nothing to do with aggression.
11:52It's not a sexual thing, not in any direct way.
11:55It's more like communion with a power greater than me.
11:59I want to feed it, this god of Mine,
12:02the flames. I want to watch them eat and swallow and disappear
12:05whatever stands in their way
12:07until both consumer and consumed are gone.
12:09Dust, ash,
12:12you know what I mean? In the beginning,
12:14it didn't matter what I set fire to.
12:15I'd burn anything I could get my hands on.
12:17Then last Thanksgiving,
12:18I lit up one of Grandma's old photo albums and felt what that was like,
12:22torturing something of sentimental value.
12:24It's a whole different cocktail,
12:25a more potent experience than you could possibly imagine
12:28unless you've tried it. From that point on,
12:30I could only get my hit from burning precious things,
12:33heirloom furniture, sister's clothes,
12:35mother's clothes, best friend's,
12:36father's prized stamp collection.
12:39Doesn't matter what it is,
12:40it just needs to matter to someone else.
12:42That's how vices go. They escalate.
12:45You develop a tolerance.
12:46You start off burning scraps of your math homework
12:49and open your eyes one day to find yourself setting fire to Adam
12:51Eleanor's family home. After a while,
12:54you just need something stronger.
12:56Party. People will be back at the house in five minutes.
12:59I skip out the back door again.
13:01I leave a trail of fluid across the yard in a zigzag.
13:04I resist the urge to spell out a message.
13:06No, this act requires no words.
13:08Let it speak for itself. I trail it out to the edge of the yard
13:11and then hop the fence into the neighbor's yard.
13:13The neighbors are Ronald and Cara Bronner
13:15both retired and not super involved in the community.
13:18Around this time of the evening,
13:19they're both typically tied up with Senior Night pickleball,
13:22which is why they're not home to see me
13:23emptying my extra can of fluid
13:25into a thick puddle in the middle of their lawn.
13:27A lot of getting away with it depends on nailing the details.
13:31You have to know how people tick tomorrow when it's over,
13:34when there's nothing left of the house.
13:35the emotional vibe at the Eleanor's has evolved from general horror,
13:39shock
13:39and awe into the coping mechanisms of suspicion and investigation,
13:43they'll notice the burnt black trail of dead grass
13:46leading from the charred remains of their home
13:47right into the Bronner's backyard.
13:49And given Mister Bronner's recent age related personality shift,
13:53they will have nothing to do but suspect the worst,
13:56suspect the obvious.
13:58What else would people do?
14:00It makes sense to go out with a bang like this.
14:02My cover starting to slip anyway.
14:04Last month I set fire to the full contents of my backpack
14:06inside a trash can outside the school.
14:08I did it during lunchtime after what had been a rough morning.
14:11The smoke came out black and floated up to heaven.
14:14All the kids in the north calf crowded at the window to watch.
14:17Before security got to me,
14:18I'd made it out to the football field and doused the turf in kerosene
14:21all the way up to the 40 yard Line.
14:23They didn't even have to tackle me.
14:25I was already on the ground,
14:26hands up behind my head, fingers together,
14:28clasped tight as if in prayer.
14:32Samantha, Dorian,
14:33Yasmeen, Clark are the first to arrive.
14:35It's ten thirty PM they're followed closely by everyone else,
14:38kids I've gone to school with
14:39since before my problem reared its ugly head.
14:42They arrive in threes and fours.
14:44Jared, Ali,
14:45Carson, Quinn,
14:46kids I've Learned world history with,
14:48gone on 10 years of field trips with.
14:50Here's 70 adolescents right on the doorstep of the rest of their lives.
14:53Here's me standing six inches behind the neighbor's fence
14:56watching the most epic final party of high school
14:58just date and be born just before its grand demise.
15:02From the backside of the house,
15:03I can see clearly into all the rooms.
15:05For some reason, the back of the house is all glass.
15:08I see kids getting it on in each of the bedrooms,
15:10one on every floor. It never takes long for it to come to that.
15:14The kids drinking inside
15:15look like they're imitating parties they've watched on television.
15:17Keg stands, beer pong, backwards,
15:20baseball caps.
15:21I wonder if they are pretending or if they actually enjoy this
15:24and the movies just happen to get it right.
15:26Does art imitate life or what?
15:29Don't ask me.
15:29I'm just a guy with a raging problem and about 1,000 fluid,
15:33ounces of combustible fluid waiting at home.
15:36Leftovers I'll have to get rid Of that when I get back.
15:39Anyways, tell you the truth,
15:41it's been a Bender of a week.
15:43Tuesday night,
15:43I burned to the ground the World War 1 Monument in Eldon Park
15:47and biked away before anyone saw me.
15:49They don't have cameras at Eldon Park.
15:51Well, now they do.
15:53What I did was I dusted the whole thing in thermite,
15:55which is a powder of aluminum and iron oxide.
15:57And you can use it to melt metal.
15:59I blew the mixture out of a homemade contraption
16:01I'd fashioned out of the family garden hose.
16:03Took me less than 30 seconds to cover every bronze edge of the statue
16:07and then use a good old fashioned match to ignite it.
16:09I indulged myself and stayed put for a full 60 seconds,
16:12watching the angular faces of our town's veterans
16:15melt down into shiny putty
16:17before I got back on my bike and pounded the pedals home,
16:20arriving just in time to watch the story break on the evening news.
16:2511:11 p. M.
16:26Will be ignition time here at the Eleanor estate.
16:29I'm not into manifestation or anything.
16:30I just think it would be pretty funny.
16:32Imagine Donna Hartfelt
16:34executing a private tarot reading in the first floor bathroom,
16:37eyes closed tight in total spiritual focus
16:39when her seance is interrupted by the dense
16:42and sudden smell of very real smoke.
16:44And for a moment, she'll wonder, hey,
16:45is that my candle? And then she'll open her eyes and step out.
16:47Of the bathroom and learn the truth at the same time as everyone else.
16:5110 minutes on the clock. Every time I do it,
16:54it's the last time. Every time it's tomorrow.
16:57I'll change. Tomorrow I'll come clean,
16:59get myself together, lock in,
17:01figure it out.
17:02I'll work out and read books and do something else to blow off steam,
17:05something well adjusted normal.
17:07By making each and every time I do it the very last time I ever do it,
17:11I get the best of both worlds.
17:12I get dopaminergic release
17:14plus the satisfaction of knowing I'll fix myself tomorrow.
17:17It gives the whole experience a delicious finality.
17:20Ride high on the locked in imaginary future
17:23while reveling in the uninhibited thrill of doing the horrible, toxic,
17:26very bad thing right now, today.
17:29And because it's the last time
17:30every time I have to use up all my supplies every time
17:33so I don't have any leftovers.
17:35So I'm not tempted to do it again tomorrow.
17:37This is always a bit of a challenge
17:38because I tend to over purchase supplies
17:41because my eyes are always bigger than my stomach.
17:43But I do manage to do it every time.
17:4775, 18 year olds chug and snort and try to dance.
17:50Unfortunately, most of them grew up in families that didn't
17:53possess a basic sense of rhythm.
17:55So the big kids inside just kind of slosh around like the cheap drinks
17:58they're trying not to spill.
17:59I already have my 6:00am alarm set for tomorrow.
18:02Tomorrow, I am going to lock in.
18:03To lock in, I have to complete a select handful of rituals.
18:06I have to wake up early and go downstairs into the family home gym
18:09that used to be my dad's office.
18:11I have to do no less than 100 chin UPS and 200 push UPS
18:14and then take a cold shower
18:15and then put on all black
18:16unbranded clothing and sit on the floor of my room
18:19where I used to flick sparks of Flint and steel
18:21right under the knotted hardwood floor below.
18:24And I have to just sit there with my eyes closed
18:25and meditate for 20 minutes,
18:27which means try very hard not to think.
18:29I have to say to myself, don't think,
18:30don't think, don't think,
18:32don't think. But it's usually no use
18:33because my thoughts usually drift to girls
18:35or what I'm going to light on fire later.
18:37And please
18:38don't be alarmed by those streams of thought being next to each other.
18:41They're totally different urges
18:42and would never cross paths at the same point in the evening. Relax.
18:47It's like thinking about sleeping with Sydney Sweeney
18:50and then separately thinking about the delectable Munch
18:53and pull on a fresh mozzarella stick.
18:55Both awesome things tantalizing in different ways.
18:59Do you get what I'm saying? Right?
19:0211:04 p. M.
19:03From behind the house, I can see into all the windows.
19:06It's a beautiful tableau of drunk teenagers,
19:08Adam, Eleanor, himself.
19:10Is leaned up against a banister that can't support his weight.
19:12He's talking to Genevieve.
19:14We're trying to Genevieve Holt,
19:16say her name a million times and it won't be enough.
19:18It's hard to see her face from here,
19:20from behind the wood slats of the fence,
19:22but I'm trying. I can imagine her laughing,
19:24nodding, giving to Adam with her eyes more than the time of day,
19:27which is now. Eleven o five PM,
19:29Kyler Barry, a sophomore,
19:30attempts a keg stand but is unsupported by anyone.
19:33So he folds forward and crashes down onto the coffee table below.
19:36He lands flat on his back with a smack and stays that way.
19:39No one looks into it.
19:40There's something cliche about all the red solo cups,
19:43something insincere about the whole affair.
19:45It's a high school party that's too self aware.
19:47The place is wreathed head to toe in tropes.
19:49I mean, have you actually ever been to a party with a keg?
19:53Right? You know,
19:54I didn't think so. Tomorrow I'll figure it out.
19:57Tomorrow I'll get myself together.
19:58Tomorrow I'll clean up my room and my habits and my life tomorrow.
20:03These are things I tell myself.
20:05People have isolated into clicks.
20:07They found their little intro party tribes.
20:09No one stands alone except for the guy behind the fence.
20:13But enough about me, right?
20:1511:09 p. M.
20:17Genevieve's standing closer to the banister now.
20:19Adam's got a smirk on his face
20:21like he's thinking of doing Something cheeky.
20:23I still can't see Genevieve's face,
20:25but now he's leaning in, getting close.
20:28There's that moment where they're about to kiss.
20:31Body language shifts. She flicks hair out of her eyes.
20:35Twelve years ago when we were in the fifth grade,
20:37Adam and Genevieve played a game of tag,
20:39just the two of them. And I watched it happen.
20:41The game went on for months and months and it was clear as day,
20:44fifth grade flirting. Only one time in my life
20:46did I ever manage to sit next to Genevieve on the bus.
20:49And when I tried to talk to her,
20:50the words came out stiff.
20:52Tomorrow I'll find a better hobby and try to make something of my life.
20:55Tomorrow
20:55I'll write handwritten apologies to everyone I've ever wronged.
20:58Tomorrow I'll surrender up myself to a higher power,
21:01something that isn't the flames.
21:03Tomorrow I'll. Adams leaning in for the kiss.
21:06I could just strike the match right now.
21:08One fluid motion,
21:10I could watch it burn for a moment.
21:12What bothers me about these people
21:13is that
21:14they did not have any involvement in turning out the way they are.
21:17It was not through any sum of their own personal choices.
21:20They were born pretty, glistening,
21:21shiny people.
21:23They never had to develop personality as a survival mechanism.
21:25They did not work to become hot.
21:27Naturally well liked people.
21:30Although I guess I didn't choose my predicament either.
21:33Maybe we're all just born the way We are.
21:35And it's up to us to learn to deal with it somehow.
21:39I strike the match and hold it in front of me.
21:42This is the moment of greatest potential energy,
21:45maximum tension. Everything in the whole universe hangs in the balance
21:50in a moment like this.
21:51I'm not looking in the window anymore.
21:53I dropped the match.
21:54It mingles with the pool of fluid I'm standing next to
21:57and shoots out across the lawn in the zigzag I left behind.
22:00I press my face into the slats of the fence and keep my eyes open,
22:04refusing to blink.
22:05There is water in my eyes,
22:07but I don't let it spill out.
22:09I hold it there. Children rush from the home in droves.
22:13Not one of them works together in any way.
22:15One dude shatters a window with a chair to escape,
22:17though this is not in any way necessary.
22:19There are two sets of open doors to run through.
22:22He dashes out into the yard and almost sees me behind the fence,
22:25but takes a hard left and wraps around the house that way.
22:28He's followed out the window by many others.
22:31Adam and Genevieve are lost in the mass exodus.
22:33I have to stop my eyes from searching for them
22:35so I can watch my flames eat the house.
22:37Wouldn't want to miss the main event.
22:39Remember why we're here.
22:41It takes 9 minutes and 40 seconds for the tendrils to take the house
22:45to swallow It completely,
22:47how's that for accuracy? I get home and lock my bike in the garage.
22:51I take off all my clothes and stand naked in the living room.
22:54I leave my clothes lying there in a loose pile.
22:56My parents are asleep by now,
22:57but I wouldn't care if they found me like this.
23:00Tonight is supposed to be rock bottom.
23:02My nose is bleeding again.
23:04I drag my feet into the bathroom,
23:06turn the shower on cold. I don't even gasp when I get in.
23:10I just stand there under the stream with my head down.
23:13I dropped to my knees, clasped my hands and bow my head.
23:17I realized too late I don't know how to pray.
23:19I get off my knees and turn the shower off.
23:21I do 30 push UPS on my bedroom floor naked still.
23:24I put on pajamas I used to wear when I was younger
23:26and drift into the kitchen to cook some ground beef.
23:29I put on the television so there's noise in the room.
23:31The news is on and they're covering the Eleanor House fire.
23:34I turn off the TV. Tomorrow I'll get it together.
23:37I'll wake up real early and go for a run and then take a cold shower
23:40and I won't go on my phone,
23:41not even once. And I'll make breakfast for mom,
23:44tell her thank you for everything.
23:45Gratitude is the attitude.
23:47I'll get rid of my supplies.
23:48I'll put them in a bag and Drop the bag in a lake.
23:51I just need to get a little momentum going in the right direction
23:53and I'll be okay. That's all it is.
23:55I just need to get myself together
23:56and stop doing things like binge eating
23:58and scrolling on my phone
23:59and burning down the childhood homes of kids I don't care for.
24:03I should start reading again,
24:05fill my brain with all kinds of good things
24:07so I don't have any room to think of the bad stuff anymore.
24:10That would be a good start.
Mind Map
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Viral Breakdown
Hook (first 3 seconds)
- Verbatim opening line: "It started when I was a kid. I stole matches from the kitchen junk drawer, birthday candles, anything with a fuse."
- Hook pattern: Scene + confession (a personal, taboo origin story)
- Why it stops scrolling: The immediate, specific confession ("I stole matches") triggers morbid curiosity and a sense of danger. The viewer instinctively wonders, "What kind of person starts like this?" The childlike detail ("kitchen junk drawer") makes it relatable, then the escalation ("anything with a fuse") signals something dark is coming.
Emotional Rhythm
- Beat 1 – Curiosity: "It started when I was a kid" – a classic narrative opener that promises a story.
- Beat 2 – Unease / Tension: "I gathered bundles of dry twigs... locked toy chest" – the detail becomes specific and obsessive, creating discomfort.
- Beat 3 – Intellectual intrigue: "Every fire is made from three elements, 1, fuel, 2, oxygen, 3, combustion" – a pseudo-educational pivot that feels like a lesson, but is actually a threat.
- Beat 4 – Shock / Twist: "Adam Eleanor lives at 1337 Pinnacle Park Lane... the whole thing could be engulfed in 10 minutes" – the abstract becomes concrete and dangerous. This is the climax.
- Beat 5 – Suspense / Relentless tension: The narrator walks to the house, details the plan, and we know it's going to happen. The rhythm is a slow burn with no release.
- Beat 6 – Emotional resonance (guilt/shame): "I deserve this. There is something very, very wrong with me." – a rare moment of vulnerability that humanizes the narrator.
- Beat 7 – Final twist / cliffhanger: "Maintain eye contact" – the sentence cuts off, leaving the viewer hanging and desperate for the next part.
Keyword Density
- "Fire" – 10+ occurrences. Drives algorithmic reach (high-volume, evergreen topic) and emotional pull (danger, destruction).
- "Burn" – 8+ occurrences. Action verb that signals conflict and stakes.
- "Match / matches" – 6+ occurrences. Specific, visual, and triggers memory/sensation.
- "Bad idea" – 3 occurrences (in a short span). Creates internal conflict and tension.
- "Adam Eleanor" – 4+ occurrences. Personalizes the threat; makes the story feel real and specific.
- "House" – 6+ occurrences. Grounds the story in a relatable setting, then subverts it.
- "Kerosene / combustible / fuel" – 5+ occurrences. Technical language adds credibility and menace.
- "Parents / father / mom" – 5+ occurrences. Emotional anchor; drives sympathy and guilt.
- "Problem" – 3 occurrences. Core theme; algorithmic keyword for mental health/true crime content.
- "Tears / cry / crying" – 2 occurrences (but emotionally weighted). High emotional pull, low algorithmic volume.
Why It Spreads
- Taboo confession + first-person narrative: The narrator admits to being a pyromaniac with chilling calm. Lines like "I stole matches from the kitchen junk drawer" and "I could feel my skin melt" are visceral and shareable because they're shocking but not gratuitous. Viewers send it to friends with "You have to hear this."
- Educational framing as a Trojan horse: The "three elements of fire" (fuel, oxygen, combustion) feels like a science lesson, then becomes a blueprint for arson. This bait-and-switch keeps viewers engaged and makes the content feel smart, not just sensational.
- Specific, cinematic details that beg for visual adaptation: "Three story bungalow made of wood and drywall," "a juice box full of pure grain ethanol," "the cold recognition of what was now the capital P problem." These lines are so vivid that viewers imagine the scene, which increases shareability and comment engagement ("This sounds like a movie").
- Emotional whiplash between menace and vulnerability: The narrator is coldly methodical ("I have 15 minutes") but also deeply wounded ("I hear my father break down into tears"). This contrast makes the character complex and human, driving discussion and re-watches.
- Open-ended cliffhanger: The last sentence cuts off mid-thought ("Maintain eye contact"). This forces viewers to comment "Part 2?" and creates a loop of anticipation, boosting algorithmic signals (watch time, comments, shares).
What You Can Steal
- Start with a specific, taboo confession from childhood. Don't say "I had a problem." Say "I stole matches from the kitchen junk drawer." Specificity + vulnerability = instant hook.
- Use a "lesson" structure to deliver dangerous content. Frame your story as a how-to or educational breakdown (e.g., "Three elements of fire") to make the viewer feel smart while being pulled into the dark narrative.
- Cut your script mid-sentence at the climax. Leave the viewer hanging on a word like "maintain eye contact" or "but then I saw..." This forces them to comment, click your profile, or wait for part two — all of which boost algorithmic reach.
