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0:00Hey, cheeky titas,
0:02get ready with me to get fifty one
0:0450 on the roof of a San Bernardino Whole Foods.
0:07First, you're gonna Wanna take this Aurora heatless styling bomb
0:11and tease your bangs up super high
0:14like your hair is trying to escape your scalp.
0:19And then you're gonna Wanna put on a mask made of mirror
0:22so that the flat cameras can't find you after you bite a cop.
0:27Look at me on this red carpet with my dad when I was seven.
0:31Well, they're.
0:31They're, um.
0:32They're my. They're my biggest fans and the. The.
0:35The best barometer that I have,
0:36and they love the show, so.
0:42Hi, I'm Dakota Johnson,
0:43and I'm hosting SNL this week with musical guest Alabama Shakes.
0:46What? Wait,
0:47what are you doing? What?
0:49I don't take. Wait,
0:50I don't take my clothes off. No.
0:54That's weird. Now my lost bag.
0:57Should have been the worst couple days of my life.
0:59But I met you. Not so bad after all, huh?
1:02Not bad at all. All right,
1:04that's one beautiful bag for an even more beautiful woman.
1:07For real? You can do pornography?
1:11All right, next.
1:12Hey, I'm here to. Sorry. Pornography?
1:15Yeah, my apologies.
1:16That was just a private thought that I said out loud. Haha.
1:19What else has happened since last time I hosted?
1:21Um, well, uh,
1:23I went through two very public, very, uh,
1:27lame breakups with two very awesome musicians.
1:35Hello, Dakota.
1:37What's up? Hi,
1:38how are you? We are such big fans.
1:40Oh my god, are you kidding?
1:42I've seen all your videos.
1:43Oh my god, are you serious?
1:45Yes. They're really not for me.
1:50Well, I heard Eric from legal is going through, like,
1:55a really hard time right now.
1:59Aren't you Eric from legal?
2:02Yeah.
2:07Um, well,
2:07I also heard that the new pharmacist, Brian,
2:10he's been selling Adderall to his daughter's college friends.
2:14Yeah, not only that,
2:15but he's also dating one of them.
2:17Ah, yeah,
2:18not only that, but Eric's wife is a lesbian,
2:22and when she told him, he cried so hard he threw up in a bag.
2:27Eric,
2:29are you okay? Oh, yeah,
2:32just gossiping with my girls.
2:34To press your luck. I'm Elizabeth Banks,
2:38and I said yes to this job while I was wine drunk.
2:42What's going on with you, Helen?
2:43You. You look stressed.
2:44Sorry. My.
2:45My husband's thinking about buying a gun.
2:47Oh boy. My husband too.
2:49Men and their guns. Well,
2:50you know what Freud said,
2:52that guns are like an extension of their manhood.
2:55Don't you guys wish there was a gun for us?
2:57Not really a gun that was an extension of our womanhood.
3:01Well, now there is.
3:04Oh. Oh my god!
3:05Introducing guns for women!
3:07Is that a vagina? Cool, right?
3:10Haha, finally a gun for us! Sure.
